Groundhog's Revenge

Every year on February 2nd there’s all kinds of hoopla concerning groundhogs, and yesterday was no exception. I really hate Groundhog Day.

I wonder where the Human Society or PETA is while various poor groundhogs are being thrust into the limelight. Every year a groundhog is taken from wherever he calls home, shoved into a hollow log like a Keebler Elf, then some top hat wearing goon grabs him by the ruff of the neck and holds him aloft to be photographed like Paris Hilton outside of Nobu. All this pomp and circumstance just to see his shadow where they declare, “There’s six more weeks of winter”.

Well, I know I’m not a whiz at math, but I CAN read a calendar. And when I look at how many weeks there are between February 2nd and the first day of Spring, I count six. As of February 2nd THERE ARE ALWAYS SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER.

In the meanwhile, I get very stressed worrying about a poor groundhog being traumatized by all the media attention. But, perhaps I shouldn’t worry as much. I just read a story that the groundhog in New York, called Charles G. Hogg, took a bite out of Mayor Bloomberg’s hand. According to the story, the Mayor was trying to lure it out of its warm wooden cage with an ear of corn, and kept snatching the corn away from it. Clearly annoyed at the whole thing, Charles G. Hogg took his revenge, in the way of a hearty nip out of the mayor’s hand. I say “Good for YOU Charles C. Hogg”. And let this be a lesson to Punxsatawney Phil and the other groundhogs that receive similar treatment.

Next year, all the goofballs that rip a poor, defenseless groundhog from its lair had better beware. Because word travels, and you never know what can happen now that groundhogs have tasted blood. They have an entire year to sharpen their claws and their teeth, and they may decide next February 2nd to take their revenge. Some have already started to rebel; if you don’t believe me, ask Mayor Bloomberg.